The Fat Kid and The War on Childhood Obesity

Michele Obama's War on Childhood Obesity has received a great deal of praise from many who think it's time we took back the health of American's youth.  The blame for this epidemic of chubby children has been placed on parents, poverty, fast food, the media, genetics and even toxins.

In the middle of all this debate and well-meaning problem solving are a whole lot of obese children who face tremendous obstacles in just trying to get their education, live their lives and grow up in a society that on the one hand pushes high-caloric indulgences and on the other hand condemns those whose bodies conform to what one would expect from consuming such indulgences.

What is missing from First Lady Obama's plan, which focuses on healthy eating, providing better choices for food in schools, increasing access to healthy affordable foods, and movement, is compassion for the special emotional needs of children dealing with weight issues. What's also missing is the crucial element of the voices of the children themselves, and an acknowledgement of their suffering.

Without a fundamental shift in the way childhood obesity is viewed in society, and without the emotional and mental health issues created by it being addressed, this initiative is doomed to failure because it further isolates children suffering with a problem that is not merely physical.  These children, their bodies now "attacked" as a "crisis" are bound to suffer even greater losses to self esteem and self-acceptance, leading to increased physical health issues and decreased ability to overcome their obesity and the challenges that it creates.

These children, already struggling every day to get by, deserve our compassion and our love, not just yet another program that will encourage others to marginalize them further.

Michele Obama, if you want to help a fat kid, give them a place to go where they can feel safe.  Tell them that they are beautiful the way that they are, and that the changes you propose are about their insides not their outsides.  Tell them that they aren't going to be taken away from their parents because they were "allowed to get fat."  Tell them that you are working to end discrimination against them.

Don't just hand them an apple and tell them to go move.

In the Best Interest of Haiti's Children

When the earthquake hit, someone I know who has a very loving heart came to me and said their first reaction was that they wanted to open their home to an orphaned Haitian child.

I reacted less favorably than they thought I would.  Immediately, my mind went to my own stepsons and how they would react to a major tragedy such as an earthquake of even half the devastation of what happened in Haiti.  I imagined then that some well-meaning person took them out of the United States, put them on a plane to a country where the language and customs were completely different from what they had grown up with and dropped them into a new family.  That family might even be a different race, a different religion, and with different values all together from what they have learned growing up. I imagined the pain of adjustment to such a new experience, so soon after a major catastrophe.

Recently, Save the Children called for a halt to new adoptions because, as spokesperson Carolyn Miles said ""The vast majority of the children currently on their own still have family members alive who will be desperate to be reunited with them and will be able to care for them with the right support..."


Adoption in Haiti has already been fraught with problems. Some orphanages and organizations are calling for a relaxing of Visa and Immigration requirements to allow orphaned Haitian children to be adopted out more quickly. However, in the absence of a clear and structured plan and the ability to be certain that children from Haiti are not being placed out of the country when there are as yet unidentified relatives available to take them, hasty action could have lifelong negative consequences for these children.

That being said, from the pulpit this Sunday my own Pastor spoke of the struggles of a family member who had been trying to adopt an orphaned Haitian child now for several years. The child had already been selected and cleared for adoption, but paperwork delays held up the uniting of the new family for years.  The earthquake brought attention to this issue, and many children caught in a paperwork malestorm were released recently for adoption.  This is a different situation than taking children orphaned recently by the earthquake (or possibly not even orphaned) and shipping them to foreign lands.

We must not assume that we, Americans or Europeans in particular, are a better choice for raising these children than other Haitians.  It is a dangerous assumption.  Although there are children who will need the sheltering arms of foreign families, the first effort should be in providing support for Haitians willing to adopt these children, particularly if they are members of their own family.  The youngest of Haitian orphans may fare better at changing cultures.  However, for children over three or four, the culture shock after already suffering through "the thing" as some Haitians are referring to the earthquake might be too much for fragile young psyches.

A plan for Haitian orphans should include the following:

1. Caution, prudence and care must be taken to match as many Haitian children with their own family members or families in their own communities as possible.

2. Because this process will take time, foreign governments and organizations should make their second wave of aid, after the immediate medical and nourishment needs of the earthquake victims, be aimed at providing support to Haitian orphanages. 

3.  When children have been identified as definitively orphaned, foreign adoptions should only be granted once the child has had an opportunity to go through age-specific counseling to help them with the cultural change.  The primary gatekeeper for allowing the adoption to proceed should be a mental health professional.

4.  Once the children are emotionally prepared for adoption, then it is in their interest to remove the impediments of immigration policies and adoption procedures that needlessly prolong the child's stay in the orphanage.

5. Adoption subsidies should be provided for families in Haiti willing to accept orphaned children so that there is an incentive to keep the children in their known culture.

These steps will take funding, and the commitment of the Haitian government and the United Nations.  However, Haiti's beautiful children are well worth it. Rebuilding must begin with the littlest of Haiti's citizens.

2010 Resolutions for Child Advocacy in YOUR Family and Community

The year changes. The ball drops. We tip back a glass of champagne and scribble down some resolutions, some of which we may keep, some of which we may not.

But what resolutions can you make to advocate for your children or the children in your family and community?

1. If you have children, have a will. Find an attorney who can make an air-tight will in your state (if you are in New Jersey, I do them!) that gives guardianship of your children to someone YOU would choose if something should happen to you. Don't let your state's Child Protective Services make the decision of who your child should live with if they lost you.

2. If you do not have children, but wish you did...consider foster parenting. There are many, many children out there so desperately in need of a home where they will be loved and cared for, even if its only for a short time.

3. If you have children in your family, get to know them. So many adult survivors of child abuse will describe how they spent countless hours around family members who did not know they were being hurt. Get to know the children in your family, and let them know that if they have troubles they can come to you.

4. Become a mentor. Studies show that children at risk are greatly benefited by mentors. If there isn't a Big Brothers/Big Sisters or other mentorship program in your area, start one!

5. If you have a child with special needs, get serious! Get involved with the school, the IEP process...if they aren't listening to what your child needs, see an attorney who specializes in education law. Get to know the law and make sure that your child is getting all the services they need and deserve.

6. If you have a child in the public school system, get involved! Vote in local elections, join the P.T.A. (or start one), get to know the teachers that your children are dealing with. Teachers are almost always happy to have parents involved who are concerned about their children and want to know what is going on. Don't worry about bothering the teacher, they want to talk to you about how to help your child succeed!

7. Involved with a church, mosque or synagogue? Make sure your place of worship has information, and even maybe speakers available about child advocacy in your community, or at the least about how to recognize and report child abuse. Likewise, educate members of civic groups you belong to.

8. Educate yourself. Know the signs of child abuse. Know what to do if you see them.

Personal Note: I haven't updated this blog in awhile because I have been busy opening my law firm! The Law Office of Lynda L. Hinkle does family law, education, wills and municipal law. Hopefully, now that we are up and running I will be returning to a regular blogging schedule.

Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse: October 30, 2009

Welcome to the October 30, 2009 edition of carnival against child abuse. As the Halloween holiday approaches, many of us will be welcoming costumed children to our door and passing out goodies. As we do so, let's remember that some of these children may be in trouble...we may never know the pain of some of the children that pass by our door. That's why its so important that each and every one of us do what we can, big or small, to help fight child abuse and to be the village of loving, caring, responsible adults that every child deserves (and to hold others in our community accountable to be that as well). Thanks to all who have dedicated their time to presenting ideas in this blog carnival.

Advocacy & Awareness

Surbhi Bhatia presents Will the Slumdogs ever become Millionaires? posted at The Viewspaper » The Viewspaper. The outrageous exploitation of the children of the film does not tell the whole story, there are many like them whose faces are not seen.

Carolyn Friedman presents 50 Things Your Child Should Never Know posted at Nurse Practitioner Schools, which provides a good jumping off point for important discussions with your children.

Patricia Singleton presents Lies Incest Perpretrators Tell Their Victims posted at Spiritual Journey of a Lightworker, describing it as "A list of lies that you may have been told if you grew up with incest in your family."

Pop Tart presents Preventing Sexual Child Abuse posted at MotherhoodMetamorphosis, discussing the book My Body Belongs to Me.

vjack presents Do Good Works Balance Clergy Sexual Abuse? posted at Atheist Revolution which responds to a common excuse for covering up clergy sex abuse.

Marj aka Thriver presents Take a Stand, Raise Your Hand! posted at Survivors Can Thrive!, saying, "I guess, over the years, I've decided that the best way to work to end child abuse--especially child sexual abuse--is to: Stop The Silence...to Silence The Shame...to Break The Cycle. Child abuse perpetuates in our silence and shame. We need to be talking about it! So, in this post, I'm raising my hand; I've got something to say!" And she says it in an inspiring poem.

Colleen Spiro presents How to Help A Survivor of Child Sexual Abuse posted at Surviving by Grace, saying, "Not sure if this is advocacy or awareness .. whet do you think?"

Dr. Kathleen Young presents Minimizing Trauma and the Damage it Does posted at Dr. Kathleen Young: Treating Trauma in Chicago which discusses the importance of using language that does not blame the victim of abuse.

Michael presents "It takes a village to raise a child.” posted at SELF-ISH, a reminder that it takes the work of community to save abused children.

On In The Best Interest, There She Is...Miss America...in Recovery discusses the book by Marilyn van Derbur and how to support a loved one recovering from abuse.

Aftermath

Rabbit White presents The Beauty of Personal Freedom (Or Why I don't talk to my Parents) posted at Rabbit Write, asking "Can you even begin to imagine a world where we drop all abusive people and work on having real honest relationships...?"

Healing & Therapy

Hope presents Past, Present and Future posted at Hope for Trauma, sharing her experiences overcoming abuse and disassociative identity disorder.

In The News

Lisa O'neill presents Mother campaigning for the control of camera phones in nurseries Whereforcare.com posted at Whereforcare.com, discussing an up and coming issue in child welfare.

That concludes this edition. Submit your blog article to the next edition of
carnival against child abuse
using our
carnival submission form.
Past posts and future hosts can be found on our

blog carnival index page.

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carnival against child abuse, blog carnival.

There She Is...Miss America....in Recovery

Miss America By Day by Marilyn Van Derbur is not an easy thing to read. Van Derbur takes us on a frank, very painful journey through her recovery from incest by her well respected father, and how she struggled through the shame to reach the lives of many, many others suffering with recovery from sexual abuse.

Van Derbur has dedicated her life to public speaking to encourage youth and those who work with them to find the best ways of encouraging self esteem and routing out the pain of those living with a shocking secret.

It was my husband who first alerted me to this book. He is a CASA worker, and yet I think the thing that most shook him about this book was the tireless support of Van Derbur's husband Larry, who stood by her through an incredibly difficult and long recovery. He seemed perfect. I think it terrified my husband to think such perfect spouses were wandering the earth making him look bad! And this is sort of where the book has its major flaw for me...because I suspect that even though Larry is doubtless a wonderful guy, that he had moments of despair and wanting to give up. He either hid that from Marilyn Van Derbur, or she is hiding it from us..still trying to please the man in her life (though this time he is clearly more deserving than her wretched father).

Which begs the question, how should we support those in our lives who are struggling with recovery from incest or sexual abuse?

There have been endless books and articles written on that subject, but I think I can boil down what I think is most important from Van Derbur's book combined with what I know from other sources and my own experiences.

How Do I Support My Loved One Through Recovery from Sexual Abuse?

1. Believe them. They may say things that sound completely insane...but incest and sexual abuse IS insane...its an insanity they have had to wrestle with. Don't assume because it sounds implausable that it isn't true.

2. Listen to them. Sometimes, just listening to the story, sometimes over and over, is the best gift you can give.

3. Ask if you aren't sure. If you don't know what you can do to help, ask the person. They probably know. They may want to be held. They may not want to be touched. Everyone is different and in different parts of their journey. So ask.

4. Support them in finding professionals to help them through it, and don't be afraid to say so if you think one professional is not right for them (but respect it if they don't agree). Marilyn Van Derbur had some doozies of therapists and doctors...one who even sexually abused her and one who suggested she smoke pot! Sometimes a person in recovery may not be strong enough yet to say no to something even if they feel it isnt in their best interest, so don't be afraid to validate them if you see something is wrong.

5. Don't ask them to finish their recovery before they are ready. Don't ask when they are going to get over it, or suggest they should be done by now. Everyone's recovery is different. For Van Derbur, it took years. For some they are able to deal with it rather quickly....but everyone has to go through their process.

6. Do get support for yourself. You need to find somewhere you can safely blow off steam and get help too. Especially if its a long journey. This can be a therapist, trusted friend, support group, church...whatever helps YOU.

7. Keep their secrets until they are ready. Don't tell other people what your loved one is going through without their permission. As they deal with the shame and learn that what happened wasn't their fault, they need to be the ones in charge of deciding who knows and how they find out.

8. Love them. And when its appropriate, protect them and help them protect themselves until they are able to do it alone.

Carnival Against Child Abuse for October 2009

In the Best Interest is excited to host the Carnival Against Child Abuse for October 2009. The theme is: Beginner's Guide to Saving a Child. We are seeking submissions on volunteer opportunities, ways to help work to end child abuse and organizations that focus their efforts on this important work.

Nevertheless, we are also accepting generalist posts on child abuse as well in the categories of Advocacy & Awareness, Aftermath, Healing & Therapy,
In the News, and Poetry & Survivor Stories.

To submit, fill out the form here. Submissions are due by midnight on October 28.

Thank you for your commitment to the children!

Back to School : Ten Things Teachers Can Do to Prevent and Address Child Emotional and Physical Abuse

1. Pay attention to the chatter. Bullying is not just "kids will be kids". "Bullying is actually the most common form of violence in our society. It is at the core of domestic violence, child abuse, workplace violence, hate crimes and road rage. Bullying is everywhere and schools are a primary breeding ground” - BK Weinhold. When you see bullying happen in your classroom, intervene. Do not let children think that it is okay.

2. Protect gay youth. Kids have a tendency to use terms like "that's gay" to express negativity. Police homophobic comments as you police all other hate speech in your classroom. Even if your personal belief system is at odds with homosexuality, know that gay teens are six times more likely to commit suicide than straight ones. Stop hate speech and you might save a life.

3. Do not ignore signs of abuse. Be familiar with the signs and symptoms and trust your gut. Don't be afraid to report. If your school has policies against reporting, lobby to change that...and in the meantime report anonymously to your state or local hotline. Keep that hotline number in your cell phone so you always have it ready.

4. Keep a journal of your teaching practice. Being a reflective practitioner is important. Keep a journal of things you think you might be doing that might be either enhancing or detracting from the self esteem of your students. Commit to increasing the positive self esteem of your students this year.

5. Collect resources. Have brochures, numbers, websites for programs for troubled kids and families available. You never know when someone will confide in you. You can't solve everyone's problems but you may be able to refer them out to someone who can. If your school guidance department doesn't have resources like this available, collect them for them as well.

6. Teach your students compassion for others. The best way to do this is to model it in your teaching style. Select activities and readings that teach good character. Reward demonstrations of good character more often than you punish demonstrations of bad character.

7. Educate parents. If you have a PTA, offer to present a program on spotting child abuse and addressing it, or on resources for parents in need of help. Remember, you are an expert. Keep learning and keep sharing.

8. Be gentle with yourself as well. As the stress of the school year heats up, you may feel too burnt out sometimes to have your eyes open to bullying, abuse or the needs of the children in your care. Don't let that happen! Make sure you take time out for you to heal and rejuvenate yourself.

9. Influence other teachers. If you eat in the teachers room, we all know what a toxic environment it can be. Its often whine central, and burned out, cynical teachers take center stage. Gently attempt to provide positive messages about children, and promoting their self esteem. You don't have to be confrontational and hated to change the climate, and changing the climate even a little may help children in these teachers classrooms to have a more positive day.

10. Get to know the parents. Parent teacher night isn't enough. Try to reach out to the parents as much as you can. You will get a sense of things going wrong for a child in the home very clearly if you have a line to what is going on with Mom and Dad.


Have a great, healthy school year!